Of The Singles Sex Survey & My Fashion Preditions

The 7th annual Singles in America survey is out. Among the top findings: 34% of singles have had sex before a first date, but Millennials are 48% more likely to have sex before a first date than all other generations of singles.

Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist and chief science adviser for Match (who funds the study), says this is because Millennials are “career focused”.

“I think they are very career oriented, so sex before the first date could be a sex interview, where they want to know if they want to spend time with this person.”

You read that right; sex before the first date could be some sort of screening process in which you try out the position(s) before you can get to the first round of actual relationship interviews.

If you think this is a more cosmopolitan “milk for free” proposition that you need to wrap your head about, just accept it as causal sex or even hook-up culture.

[If you really want to delve into this, check out Lisa Wade’s American Hookup: The New Culture of Sex on Campus, available on the 15th; a Huff-Po‘s coverage here.]

At Unicorn Booty, certified sex therapist Kimberly Resnick Anderson makes this comment:

“It’s sort of a mixed message because on one hand people judge potential sexual partners based on social media posts, but then they also want them to put (their phones) down,” Anderson says. “It’s kind of a love-hate relationship.”

I’ll help you out, Anderson. It’s not a love-hate thing; it’s a matter of priorities and attention. Who the hell wants to be on a date with a person who is more interested in their phones?

Answer: No one.

Relationships require attention and care.

My favorite finding from the survey? A cracked or otherwise shabby cell phone is a similar to the ripped dungarees of earlier generations, showing a level of slovenly poverty that turns folks off. Ripped jeans were once a sign of lack of care ~ great grandma would wrinkle her nose at the notion of ripped jeans as a fashion statement. If you cared about yourself and who you were with when you wore them, you’d mend those! And so it is with today’s thoughts on mobile phones.

But now ripped jeans are considered sexy. We changed:

Ever since the acid-wash-80’s, when as a culture we abandoned physical labor and the look of hard work and a rugged sense of poverty was seen as anti-establishment, holes in your jeans have been cool.

So, I can’t help but wonder when the signs of tattered phones will be de rigueur with rebellion and giving a finger to The Man…

Prepare yourself for the ability to pay ~ and pay extra! ~ for shabby looking cellphones, so that we can all look like we’re too cool to care about the damages our rock n roll lifestyles do to our phones.

Of course, when we buy them so distressed, it will be strategic cracks and fractures that won’t affect the ability of the phone or gadget to work; they’ll just look like we don’t care. And that’s so sexy!

Oh, come on, we’re all so bougie and you know it.

Image Credits: Couple wearing ripped jeans; Wiberlux Philipp Plein Seventy Eight Metal Detail Destroyed Denim Jeans.

Mutual Online Sex with Robots

I know the webcam women are paid but… it seems close to non-consensual. This idea comes from a sex site which the webcam women work for. Part of the post says they will have to be brave because it has a lot of thrust. Then, how consensual is that, really? Can she dial it down or does it not have that option? What if it’s not good for her, just him?

Men may love the idea of “giving her a pounding” with a robotic dick they control but… taking a pounding may not be such a lovable thing.

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Via- Robot penis lets men have sex with webcam girls over the Internet

A hi-tech ‘teledildonics’ contraption described as the ‘Rolls Royce of f**k machines’ lets lonely men thrust into an artificial vagina – and have a robot dildo penetrate webcam girls in time to their thrusts.

This would not be for me. One of my first thoughts after reading the post was about how this spoils the only good thing about online sex, control and being the one in charge.

Maybe I’m just not into anything this mutual. I like turning him on, getting him all twitchy, squirming while remaining mostly unaffected myself. I’m the Domme and giving up control to him, or a mutual robot-in-the-middle doesn’t really appeal to me.

Also, how many women actually have an orgasm this way? I doubt it would be a lot of them. Part of the problem would be timing, the lack of intimacy and the pace set by the robot and the man. A good orgasm should not be rushed, pressured or faked. My best orgasms start with my own imagination. There may be a robot involved, but not in this way.

Masturbation & Relationship Facts

At Kinkly, JoEllen Notte aka The Redhead Bedhead addresses the question, “Is Virtual Sex Real Sex?”

Notte’s short answer is, “‘Real sex’ is whatever feels real for you.” Which is perfectly true. However…

phone sex masturbationPhone sex, sex chats such as cybering and sexting, camming, and other forms of virtual sex are simply more modern, technologically advanced masturbatory materials. It’s no different, really, than viewing antique French postcards, reading erotica, looking at porn mags, and watching adult films. It’s all about the masturbation.

OK, sometimes it’s about mutual masturbation.

But it’s masturbation, nevertheless.

Is masturbation “real sex?”

Yes; yes, it is.

But masturbation is not the same thing as sexual intercourse.

And that’s the fundamental, if not actually acknowledged from the start, point of Notte’s article. For eventually we find ourselves in a discussion about whether or not virtual sex is cheating. Notte’s conclusion is a sane one: “You have to define the rules and what counts as cheating for yourself and discuss it with your partners.” But while I most definitely am an advocate for communication, I find Notte has missed at least one step.

I repeat: Virtual sex is masturbation. It is a form of sex, yes; but it is not sexual intercourse ~ and it most definitely is not relationship sex.

Don’t believe me? Let’s check-in with an expert. Tammy M. Fontana, MS NCC CTRT Sex Therapist USA says that masturbation and relationship sex are not the same thing nor are the two even interchangeable.

The only thing that they share is that they are both types of sex.

…Masturbation is the most common form of sex anyone has. It is very different from relationship sex. People choose masturbation for different reasons than they choose relationship sex. Masturbation and relationship sex are definitely not interchange able but can often compliment one another. Contrary to how many people think, masturbation doesn’t take away relationship sex, in some cases it actually helps to enhance it.

So how then can masturbation be cheating?

Because, as Fontana notes, some people believe it is:

Please note, that when discussing sex, people get confused on what is fact and what is a belief/opinion. Many people think that if they believe something or FEEL something, it is true. Then if they can back this belief or opinion up with other people’s beliefs or opinions via friends or the internet that makes it more true. Strongly FELT beliefs or strongly FELT opinions do not become true even if many other feel the same way. Feelings are not fact. Feelings are real but they are not always factual.

You know, it’s like global warming; there’s science, and then there’s “belief” that it’s not real.

I think Roue Ataraxia (Roue) and Silent Porn Star (SPS) both addressed these feelings about masturbation when the husband and wife discussed the role phone sex and masturbation plays in their relationship in this interview:

SPS: I don’t know if you recall this particular embarrassment of being a young woman, but a lot of young women feel insecure about their men masturbating. I know I did when I was in my early 20s. I’m not proud of it; but I do know it’s a relatively common thing.

Somehow our value to our partners seems diminished if we aren’t the sole-receptacle of his ejaculation. Seed spilled in a hand, not our bush, is seen as cheating, as a threat. In part because we’ve been taught that if we don’t please our man, someone will. And, because we know he has to be masturbating to something (and it may not be us!), there’s this feeling that we aren’t safe in our relationship, that we can be (or are about to be) replaced. I suppose this also has something to do with the differences in sex drives too… A young woman isn’t driven to sexual distraction as much as a young man is, so we women, not being able to relate to that high of a sex drive, figure that his wanting or needing sex more is somehow a statement on or judgement about our inability to satisfy him. We fear his masturbation is a failure on our part — and one that threatens our relationship.

Roue: And a lot of men — of all ages, I might add — feel that if their woman is masturbating, they are missing an opportunity. An opportunity to get laid, first of all. But also the opportunity to please their partner. Even in this world that’s focused on male pleasure, men are taught that good lovers don’t leave their women wanting.

SPS: Of course, time and experience teaches a mentally healthy person to get over such absurdities about a partner’s masturbation. It’s as silly as worrying when she reads romance novels or watches chick-flicks. Choices in entertainment options don’t have to equal relationship problems.

While I would prefer that everyone became a healthy person and just accepted masturbation as part of the “Everybody poos, everybody screws” reality, I know better. So the advice about people communicating their needs and beliefs is very sound. But still…

As a former escort, I can’t help but feel that beneath all this concern about “virtual sex being cheating” lies a fear and loathing of sex workers.

Let’s face it, many times these virtual sex services are paid for. And while the services of a phone sex operator, a cam girl, or any other virtual sex companion shouldn’t be seen as anything different than the purchase of an erotic ebook, handing over the membership fee at an adult website, paying the cost of streaming a porno, or buying a vibrator or other masturbation toy, it usually is. Somehow the masturbatory delights achieved via the services of a virtual sex worker are all-too-typically believed to be especially damaging to relationship sex and therefore relationships themselves.

That, my friends, is not only false but is just another form of whorephobia.

tinman masturbatesProfessional assistance in masturbatory fantasies is no different than other masturbation aids. …Well, if you pay for them, they ought to be better than the free stuff. But morally speaking, factually speaking, it’s all just masturbation. Which isn’t the same as people fucking. Which is not to say that one form of sex work is “better” than another; just that paying for masturbatory materials or assistance ought not be any sort of deal breaker in your relationship.

Unless, of course, it is.

So, by all means, do discuss your sexual and relationship needs and beliefs with your partners. Draw your lines where you must; just don’t be surprised when your partners do the same. And by that, I mean they operate off the facts, not beliefs, and opt for masturbation ~ leaving you, your myths, and even your relationship behind.

Some of us are just not willing to give up our masturbation, no matter how much we love you. Jackin’ off, Jillin’ off, it’s all just a healthy, natural extension of that “love yourself first” thing. Even if we sometimes pay for some help with it.

Image Credits: Masturbation images via.

fantasy cock stroking

“A Strange Symphony Of Digital Escorts”

Sex tech made the news again, this time it was MTV spouting off on the “evolution” of sex. I say “spouting off” because while columnist Tess Barker may be clever & know her tech, I’m not sure if is all that sex savvy. She writes:

The old version of phone sex was always a little ridiculous, but “teledildonic” devices such as We-Vibe (along with its We-Connect app) and OhMiBod allow partners to create pleasurable vibrations from afar. These days, distance can make more than the heart grow fonder.

What’s ridiculous about “the old version” of phone sex, Barker? Talking together, be it dirty fantasy play or emotionally intimate talk, can lead to a mind blowing, orgasmic, thrilling fuck fest; because while it may employ individual masturbation it also engages the mightiest sex organ of them all, The Brain, via the ultimate connection ~ a human one.

While your partner may not be able to touch your body via phone sex, they can touch your mind. You can share a sexy mind meld, with or without the Star Trek role play.

As for the “teledildonics”, there are other ways to achieve that without pushing a button on an app; play control freak with your partner’s mind and tell them the what, where, when, why, and how of the masturabatory action. Be it their hand or a toy, controlling the scene and the action is hot. Super hot.

monkey playing a piano for dogsYou can come together to cum together, as opposed to, say, having a lazy person plunk their fingers on a keypad like some monkey playing the piano comedy bit.

Unless that’s what you’re into. Maybe you really like to monkey around; I don’t want to judge.

But just as two minds may be better than one, two minds may also be better than one and a trendy bit of sex tech.

Science and technology will make innovations in sexual toys and, once they figure out the truth of the female body, even perhaps in sexuality itself ~ but, as I’ve said before, it won’t replace the human components. It can’t.

Sex with robots will be no more therapeutic in its release than a vibrator made 130 years ago. The stimulation of our genitalia occurs, but what of our brains, minds and souls?

Sure, I admit that technology & culture are fluid bump-and-grind influencers, driving everything from changes in actual human needs to the “Because we can!” advancement mentality.

Steadfast & True robot love by leuckitBut is every innovation a real advancement? Does tech meet real needs, or does it only expose that we hunger for something that cannot be manufactured or produced with ones and zeros?

A case in point is Invisible Boyfriend (and sister site, Invisible Girlfriend). Make no mistake; the idea behind such services is not to provide human companionship, but to help the client lie to well-meaning family & friends by offering “proof” of a non-existent relationship partner. You know, to get mom off your back about being single. For a monthly fee, the platforms promise “virtual and real-world social proof” of your invisible “relationship” via texts, voicemails, and even snailmail. Mark Wilson gave it a try and found the experience, well, I’ll say a bit clumsy:

Syntax problems. Lazy wikipediaing. Look, I knew my invisible girlfriend was fake, but I began picturing what must be going on here—thousands of people typing out text messages, many pretending to be another gender, in a strange symphony of digital escorts.

Wilson’s description of his experience isn’t far off the technical reality, as he explains:

[I] learn that Invisible Boyfriend relies a bit on the artificial intelligence of chat bots, but most requests are handled another way: The St. Louis startup has teamed up with a fellow St. Louis company named Crowdsource, which manages a frontend interface to Amazon’s mechanical turk. That means Invisible Boyfriend sends your texts to a sea of micro laborers, who pick up all sorts tiny tasks during the day. They see very basic information about the character they play and text you back.

Again, in defense of Invisible Boyfriend & Invisible Girlfriend, co-founder Matthew Homann has clearly stated, “We’re not trying to help you believe you’re in a relationship. We’re trying to provide that proof [to others].” And, in fact, the sites themselves address the issue of “love” in the FAQs:

My Invisible Boyfriend… will I love him?

Seems a bit far-fetched, and a sit down between you and Jerry Springer may not be out of the question.

But nevertheless, the issue of technology ~ even that designed to meet a human “need” (I use quotes because I still don’t get the need to lie about being happily single) ~ has some issues. Not just the clumsiness of new technology, but the reality of being able to meet the human desire for connection. More from Wilson’s article:

Homann says that some early beta testers can get quite attached to their invisible partners. He describes one woman who has had an invisible boyfriend for a month and a half now. She flirts with him, but she tells him secrets, too. She’ll even ask him questions, like Siri, about movies playing in the neighborhood. (Homann says that’s an off-label use, but there’s no reason a mechanical turk can’t Google something for you.)

…”Even though I know how it works, behind the curtain, when I get a text message, I feel compelled to respond,” [Homann] says. “Technology has compelled us to respond even when it’s not necessary.”

These comments evoke visions of the film Her, in which—minor spoiler—humanity is overcome by the virtual companionship of conversational software. Right now there are limiters in place. The mechanical turk makes a lousy companion. And you can’t sext—guidelines prohibit the turk from responding to explicit content.

Which prompts the question: Should Invisible Boyfriend be thinking beyond the novelty factor? Could you fall in love with an Invisible Boyfriend? Or, could you at least sext with him? “If the marketplace wants to demand something, we certainly have the capability to deliver it,” Homann says. “We can train a workforce comfortable with adult-themed content, but it’s not something we’re trying to do now.”

While Homann likely ponders the quest for money from all sides (including both the large sums to be made from adult entertainment as well as the negative aspects of getting funding with an “adult” label), Wilson nearly hits the nail on the head:

Telephone based for-hire companionship—be it sexual or conversational—certainly isn’t a new idea. Invisible Boyfriend’s $25/100 text message premise isn’t so far from the pay-per-minute 1-900 psychics and phone sex lines of yesteryear. The business model might be similar, but the social experience is admittedly different. Those were 1:1 conversations with real people.

Yes, the one-on-one is the vital part. It’s the real human connection that matters here; even when naughty bits aren’t touching, we want to know we are in touch with another person. This is something many phone sex operators know well. And not just those of “yesteryear”, but those who thrive today, many of whom have expanded their phone sex to be true digital courtesans.

This desire to connect, human to human, isn’t limited to body parts only. Not even when we just want to get off. And the tech world, its columnists included, would be wise to realize it.

PS Also, please stop bashing everything that’s “old” or from “yesteryear”; doggy-style & missionary have been around forever and they still fuckin’ work.

Image Credits: Romantic robots, Steadfast & True by Leuckit.

ancient rome doggy style sex

Not In The Mile High Club Yet? Need A Gadget To Entertain You On A Plane?

Still in the prototype stages, this Window Socket by Kyuho Song & Boa Oh suctions to an airplane or other window, harnessing solar energy while functioning as an electrical socket. Once charged, you can use it anywhere as a portable energy source.

window_socket2

window_socket3

window_socket

Personally, I thought this might make the idea of camping less revolting; provided it held enough charge for my Magic Wand.

I don’t like to leave home ~ for any real travel, anyway ~ without my Magic Wand.

But apparently there are problems with the design keeping it from production. However, the product design is so popular it continues to cycle and recycle on Tumblr and other sites with few seeming to understand that you can’t buy it.

Similar story with this version, Ray by Brandon Craven, which is specifically for phones, tablets, and other gadgets. (Admittedly, not a general socket ~ and a less sexy looking version than that by Kyuho Song & Boa Oh ~ but still a good idea for charging tech gadgets while traveling.)

I’m guessing it’s an overall problem with the weight of solar the charger battery pack being to heavy to maintain decent suction to a window. However, if you can live without the suction (and, yes, we all like some suction!), there’s the handy little Juicebar® Multi-Device Pocket Solar Charger. The only down side to the Juicebar is that it does slide around when you are mobile, be it the car dashboard or the tray on the plane. (And it certainly won’t work with my favorite masturbating toy.)

Like most of you, I’m still looking forward for some suction. Sometimes, you just want to go hands-free and relax…

Forget FitBit, Get Fit Bits

The kGoal, an interactive FitBit-esque training system for pelvic floor exercise, has blown past the asking investment on Kickstarter. As of right now, 1,900 folks have pledged $226,762 to the smart Kegel trainer device + app project which was originally seeking a $90,000 goal. There are still 13 days to get in on the backing action.

kGoal is a smart Kegel trainer and functions as both an exercise tool and a performance monitoring and guidance system. It measures the force exerted by squeezing your pelvic floor muscles and can communicate that information back to you via a phone and/or the device itself. Using the device and corresponding app is like having a personalized gym, physical therapist, and tracking system by your side whenever you want.

kickstarter kgoal-smart-kegel-trainer

A Sexy GoPro Gyno Vibe?!

I remember my first trip to they gynecologist. It was ages ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday…

I was not only a gyno virgin, but an actual virgin, when I made my first trip to Planned Parenthood. There, in order to get my first birth control pills, I got “the works”: vaginal exam, pap smear, and — surprise! — a rectal exam. [The lube required for that last part (pun intended) left my hindquarters slippery and as I walked across the parking lot, I felt the slipping & sliding announced to all who saw me, just where I’d been and what I’d been up too.]

Because Planned Parenthood clinics like to educate and empower you, I recall vividly being asked during the exam if I wanted to see my cervix. I was aghast. But then, as now, I opted to handle the awkwardness with a witty retort. Instead of simply saying, “No, thanks,” I said, “I think if I was supposed to see that, I’d have mirrors on the end of my fingertips.” I’m sure my blushing said more than my words; but in any case, she left it at that.

I’ve matured a lot since then. But I’ve still no desire to see inside my genitalia. To me, that’s about as sexy as seeing inside a man’s urethra. Let’s leave a little mystery, OK? However, Svakom, a Chinese company, has other ideas…

Enter the Gaga, a vibrator with a GoPro-style cam on the end of it. (I am doing my damned-best to refrain from Lady Gaga jokes!)

video cam vibe

Described as follows:

Vibration. Pulsation. Visualization. It’s all here with Gaga, our most innovative design that combines pleasure while allowing you to capture the most intimate moments and explore the most intimate parts of the body. Intelligently designs with a subtle light and built-in camera lens at the tip, Gaga will allow you to experience pleasure like you never have before, both visually and through the sensation of vibration. The simple to use touch controls on the vibrating shaft combine with a USB cable for laptops, or smart phone application that allows you to simultaneously share your stimulation and intimate pleasure with your partner whether they are beside you or miles away. Made using, 100% green technology the fastest recharging in the industry, Gaga will provide hours of uninterrupted, probing pleasure and exploration.

SVAKOM gaga vibe

And in this video, the company states that the Gaga “shares the exclusive right of gynecologist with you. Not only making you a better understanding and attention of your lover, but also making much fun for you.”

I’m guessing that one could also enjoy this “electronic endoscope function” anally as well. Men and women. (Just remember that lube!)

But call me old-fashioned; I prefer the old one-eye entering any of my orifices to be blind. Mr. DeMille, I’m soooooo not ready for my close-up

Frankly, I find this about as sexy as a trip to the gyno. Since it lacks sex appeal to me, I feel that at $180 a pop, I should also get a free pap and birth control with it.

However, if you find this toy sexy, you should know that the multi-speed, multi-vibration, light-up Gaga cam is latex-free and phthalate-free. And the Svakom Gaga Lighted Camera Vibe is only $157.30 at Sexclectic. Use code BIGSPENDER to save an additional $25 ~ making it just $132.30!

gaga cam vibrator

A Gentle Robotic Squeeze

Leave it to the Japanese to develop yet more sexy robotic technology.

Japanese researchers have developed a haptic device that attaches to a person’s hand and can simulate the softness of different materials by producing realistic tactile sensations on individual fingertips. According to the researchers, the device could serve as a training tool, helping medical students become skilled in exams that involve feeling parts of the body with the hands. One particular application, they say, would be teaching students how to palpate breasts when looking for lumps.

Sure, they say it’s a bit of tech for medical science, but I think we know what’s on their actual minds: virtual breasts.

All the details in Researchers Develop Robot That Lets Them Feel Softness of Virtual Breasts.

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