Sex Kitten in the Truest Sense

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Over weeks and months I found that Calvert really loved anything having to do with sex. Wet spot? Oh, there he'd be sniffing it and licking it and purring his little striped head off. Dirty underwear on the floor? He'd sniff and snuggle up with it like a favorite blanket.

We'll call him Calvert*. He came home with me when he was just six weeks old (what can I say--I like the young ones!) and not much more than a wee thing who couldn't even climb the stairs. I had been wandering around the local farmer's market that morning, still kind of sad because one of my cats had gotten out and was nowhere to be found. That cat had been missing for weeks and I feared the worst.

As I turned the corner I saw them--4 or 5 kittens all hanging out in an empty laundry detergent box with an old hippie lady watching over them. The sign read "FREE KITTENS." I didn't think to pay it much mind but then I saw him and I knew that he would be mine. He was orange and white, a tabby with big eyes and white mittens on his paws. He was just so cute I couldn't stand it. Then I saw the toes. He had about a million of them and it was adorable bordering on freakish.

I went over to pet him and immediately he climbed up and perched on my shoulder, purring. Oh yes, he was mine. The woman giving away the cats explained that her cat had gotten it on with some barn cat and there were too many kittens to keep. She asked me about my experience with cats (I managed to leave out the part where I'd lost one just weeks before) and after a few moments she said, "You know, I can tell that you have a really good aura. I just get that sense. I think you and Golden Delight really...connect." Golden Delight? WTF?!

If ever a horrible name for a cat, that would be it. It makes him sound like some sketchy dish on a lunch buffet at a Chinese restaurant. But she seemed to dig the name--"His name used to be Golden Daylight, you know, because of his color. But then one day I just found myself calling him Golden Delight and it stuck. He really responds to it!" Um, I don't know how to put this delicately but I could tell straight away that this cat had all the looks and none of the brains. Somehow I don't think he responded to any name, let alone one that made him sound like lunch. But I nodded and smiled. Turned out this lady was a psychic and she did aura readings for a living. Wouldn't want to go up against that...might ruin my aura.

So the kitten and I went home and he got acquainted with his new kitty brother. All was well. Just as I'd suspected he didn't respond to "Golden Delight" so I had no qualms ditching the name. Calvert was getting adjusted and other than some pathetic meowing when we were upstairs and he was downstairs (again, he couldn't handle the steps) it was all good. He purred like, well, a kitten.

I tell you this because Calvert's beginnings were just like the beginnings of any other cat. There was no way of knowing.

Calvert was a riot, always running around the house investigating any shiny object. He liked to sprint across the living room and into the kitchen but no matter how many times he did it he didn't realize that it is hard for a kitten to stop moving on a hardwood floor. He'd slide across the kitchen floor, slamming into the cabinets. He did this over and over, like blunt head trauma was the best game in the world! Maybe that's why he is the way he is. Such a pretty boy (but I'm into that so it's ok). Days and weeks passed and I didn't really think much of his quirks. I chalked it all up to kittenhood and figured he would mellow out. Right around this time I met my now-boyfriend. Like any new romance, there was plenty of fucking to be had and we were quite the libidinal pair. Looking back I'm not quite sure how we managed to have so much sex (we both had full time jobs which we managed to keep...) but we did.

I first noticed Calvert's "interest" while the boy and I were fucking. I was all into it, having a grand time, when I started to feel a little vibrating and hear some vague purring. I thought it was the boy (props to anyone who knows how to use a vibrator and isn't afraid to make some noise!) but after some investigation I saw Calvert about 6 inches from me on the bed, kneading his paws into the bed and purring. He just kept coming closer and closer, intent on getting all up on the action.

It was distracting, to be honest. I didn't know how I felt about the kitten getting in on the sex. He seemed a little too interested.

Over weeks and months I found that Calvert really loved anything having to do with sex. Wet spot? Oh, there he'd be sniffing it and licking it and purring his little striped head off. Dirty underwear on the floor? He'd sniff and snuggle up with it like a favorite blanket. Naked people involved in passionate lovemakeing or down and dirty fucking? Please, he'd like a front row view. I found that Calvert really wanted to be around for the action. We tried shutting him out of the room but he'd just sit outside and meow. We'd wake up at strange hours to get it on and no matter where he was or whether he'd been sleeping, Calvert would be there thirty seconds after our clothes came off. He's been known to go over to the trash can and pull out used condoms to play with. Better than catnip, seriously.

When the boy and I weren't too busy fucking, we'd occassionally sleep. Calvert would inevitably end up sleeping curled up between my thighs, purring away with sweet and dirty kitten dreams.

They say that animals are a product of their owners. Though there are many things I could probably blame on the psychic lady, I'm betting that Calvert picked up these habits from me. At least I managed to raise a cat who is sex-positive and knows the value of expressing himself sexually, right? After we cut his balls off I suppose this might be the best he can do.

*Note: Names have been changed to protect the identity of the sex kitten.


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CJ is somewhat like Martha Stewart, only kinkier, more queer, and a transguy. Small differences, whatever. CJ is somewhat sassy, fabulously faggy, and delightfully dorky. Grab yourselves some snickerdoodles and enjoy!

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