Now I Know Why I Never Got Pregnant
It wasn't giving birth.... It wasn't raising the kids.... It was something else far more insidious.
My mother regaled me with the stories from as early as I can remember. She had morning sickness so bad that she had to stop at the doctor's office for a daily shot before she went off to work.
Those who know tell us that we cannot remember things that happen to us as infants. I still think our bodies remember. I had colic so badly that my parents would sit on opposite sides of the room, tie ropes to the bassinet and roll it back and forth for hours at a time. I know my body remembers that.
I do remember the horrendous nausea from shrimp when I was 8 and the back-breaking reaction to absolutely wonderful lobster when I had a pancreatitis attack.
We're not talking about the common, run-of-the-mill upset stomach that a sip or two of that pink fluid can remedy or the OTC drugs touted daily for heartburn can stop cold in its tracks.. I'm talking about that hit-me-in-the-stomach-and-lay-me-out-on-the-sidewalk-curled-up-in-a-fetal-ball nausea.
So, for a variety of reasons, including the nausea one, I skipped the biological joys of motherhood for other ways to parent.
I did not dodge the bullet. The first five days of chemo and radiation were fine. Good strong drugs. Lots of sleep. It was Saturday that the nasty nausea hit. In fact, it was so bad I have quit smoking. Just the taste of the stuff was enough to set off another wave of "I want to die" screams coming from my living room.
Of course, there was no one there to hear me. That degradation was played out in privacy. By Monday I had lost 18 pounds in 7 days. I think the doctors were a bit concerned. I got new and better anti-nausea drugs to add to the ones I was already taking. Between that and a pain killer that allows me to swallow, I am actually eating comfort foods: mac and cheese, ice cream, orange sherbet, cookies. I got told to eat anything I can. Oh, yes, I have included the smoothie that has more protein in it than the enteral nutrition I'm not eating right now. And they have put me on IV fluids twice a week.
OK, the bowl of Mac and cheese is ready. Java chip ice cream for dessert. And the bedtime feeding is biscuits and gravy...maybe some mashed. Damn, it almost feels good to be told to eat anything I can. However several decades of being yelled at for eating these foods still echoes in the back of the brain. (quiet brain...shut up!)
Yes, I am doing well. Just slight glitches from time to time. No, I don't want to go back and experience pregnancy.